twenty-something-something

this is a few weeks and days late, the birthday post that i meant to write on my actual birthday. i turned 25 in mid-january, my Scary Age, that point-of-no-return. today i write this on the birthday of one of my very good friends, because i wonder if she is feeling the same way i feel about this time in our lives.

we always talk about that terrible time for people when they're growing up - those teenage years with all their hormones and angst and impatience to just get there already. but no one ever mentions how difficult being a 20-something is. the hormones and angst and impatience don't go away. you just don't have a good excuse to make mistakes anymore. or that's what it feels like. i feel like i have to be perfect, that every single decision i make is a Big Decision and if i choose the wrong fork, i'm going to pay for it down the road. stock purchase plans. mortgages. my uncle even mentioned i need to have a will. when the fuck did this happen? i'm YOUNG. or young-ish. i'm not even married.

and that's the other problem. in my teenage years i just wanted a boyfriend. taylor swift would have been my mary queen of heaven. now everyone's asking me when the wedding is. the expectations don't double, they go up to the tenth power. at 18 i was worried about my prom date. at 28, it's the prime time to have a baby. twenties are way harder than the teens, and i just wish someone would acknowledge that those stupid teenagers don't have it so terrible after all, because they're still kids and they can still make mistakes that everyone understands and forgives. no one seems to be as understanding when you make those mistakes in your 20s. we're supposed to have it figured out by now. right? sure.

dealing with things way beyond my maturity level

if it's meant to be, it will be.

i really, really fucking hate that god-awful cliche. mostly because it sounds like i have no control. and i have to have control. control and white wine = two of my best friends. when i don't have control, when i feel outside my comfort zone, when i start edging past the ability to schedule and label and categorize my various conflicts and problems, when i can't make a list on my pastel pink post-it note - that's when i start to spiral down into a pit of self-doubt and deprecation.

most of the reason i don't believe in fate and destiny and all that crap is it implies i have no control over the decisions that will lay out my life - that they're already decided and mapped out in some blueprint in the universe. i don't want to be some helpless person who has no control over her future, even if i am some helpless person with no control over my future. i know i can't predict or plan or even guess what happens next. but i would rather fool myself into thinking it's possible, that maybe, just maybe all my dreams and hopes will come true, and all my fears and doubts will just be dust in the wind.

twisted logic

i have been thinking and wondering and wishing and thinking about buying an apple. i had one years ago that was tragically killed when i accidentally dropped it down the stairs. pretty funny now, but horribly tragic then. i have a really bad track record with computers - for instance, my dell (the replacement) is in t's computer graveyard right now because the screen keeps falling shut and it won't turn on. this could also be because dells are pieces of shit and i hate them. i'm not sure.

i actually went into the apple store today and played around on the macbook i want. it was all white like a computer angel and absolutely gorgeous. i'm dying of indecisiveness, because even though i don't technically need a computer, i really, really want this one. and i have considered this choice for over a month, so i'm not rushing into it. i'm trying to be logical about my purchases, considering i am financially responsible for myself and all.

but here's where the twisted part comes in. i've been reluctant to spend that kind of money because from what i hear, houses are expensive. if i find a house, i'll need the money that's already gone because i bought a computer. but of course i haven't found that elusive piece of property. so what is the answer? no computer = no house. buy a computer and be in the hole a lot of money = i'll find the house of my dreams. perfect! it's a win-win! i'm buying the damn computer. and then the house will magically go on sale. because that's pretty much how my life works.

regrets

i regret not taking russian in college. spanish, seriously, what was i thinking? i can carry on a conversation in spanish only a little better than if it was in russian.

i should have gone to europe to study abroad. i don't think i could have done a whole semester, but i definitely should have done a summer. 10 days was so not enough.

i wish i had spoken up more - in class, in sorority meetings, for things i thought were unfair, for issues. i couldn't campaign or attend rallies because i was a journalist, but i still could have done something.

i could have volunteered. or at least covered more stories about non-profits. the best i did was push for directors of various charities to be on the live show i produced.

i wish i hadn't been so scared to fail. that's still a mountain i'm trying to climb.

i should have eschewed sleep more. not the all-nighter thing, but i should have at least enjoyed some more bar days with my friends who are all now living their own lives, and who i will only now see when someone gets married. my liver thanks me, my heart does not.

i needed to let the schedule go. let the planner get lost. maybe even leave the cell phone at home. another one i can work on.

why didn't i go to runcible spoon when i was at iu? or the farmer's market more? or the restaurants on 4th street? or more restaurants period? or jazz night at bear's place? uncle elizabeth's? the early music festival? any music festival?

i shouldn't have wasted time on regrets. i should have just gotten them out there, like i'm doing now, and let them go. we burn last year's palms and use them for ash wednesday mass. there's something cleansing about that, and i don't quite understand why. but this is my blog post learning from my regrets, letting them go and burning them into the air.