making a fool of myself on ice

i bought skates over the weekend.

my old ones - which were used and lovely - floated away in the flood last year. sad. and though i'm afraid the really cold weather has left indiana for the year, i had to buy some skates, just in case.

i took lessons when i was younger. that doesn't mean i'm a good skater; it just means i can stay up (most of the time) and fake gracefulness.

i used to be mad at my mom that she didn't make me take more skating lessons. i remember watching gordeeva and grinkov - who remain my favorite skaters of all time - win the gold medal. i also remember my grandmother taking me home from school one day, pulling up to my house and telling me sergei died.

i have watched every skating competition since then, especially the olympics. when i was younger, i stayed up way past my bedtime to see who won the gold medal. i love the music, the costumes and the artistry of skating, and will always prefer someone with artistry (sasha cohen) to someone strength (see irina slutskaya and rachael flatt).

and in a move to capture back a childhood regret, i bought ice skates which i plan to use at the public rink if not on my mom's frozen lake. there is something about skating that i love - but i love pocketing a regret even more.

picture via the woods hutchinson health series

when i grow up

is it the pink shoes that make my feet look so professional when i point? or the grace of the dance? it's gotta be the costumes with the tulle and sparkles and beautiful colors. for whatever reason, ballet always captivated me, the way it has captivated little girls ever since it became en vogue. i took lessons at my elementary school when i was 7 or 8, and i'm double-jointed in my ankles, letting me turn out past 180 degrees. that's about the extent of my knowledge of ballet, but i've always, always wanted to take lessons again. i thought about doing it at iu - stupid that i didn't, considering they have an amazing school there. then i thought about doing it this year when i was up in indy, since there are lots of schools around here that have adult lessons. now i'm moving back to a town with a whole two dance studios, none of which have adult lessons. and i'm really sad about that, enough that i'm considering entering a beginner class with 5-7-year-olds. almost.

but how good would it feel to snatch back a childhood regret? most of the things i do wish i had done, i'll never get the chance again. just the idea that i might be able to dance again is empowering. i can't wait until i actually get to put on those shoes.

now if i can just figure out how to get en pointe in a few months...

regrets

i regret not taking russian in college. spanish, seriously, what was i thinking? i can carry on a conversation in spanish only a little better than if it was in russian.

i should have gone to europe to study abroad. i don't think i could have done a whole semester, but i definitely should have done a summer. 10 days was so not enough.

i wish i had spoken up more - in class, in sorority meetings, for things i thought were unfair, for issues. i couldn't campaign or attend rallies because i was a journalist, but i still could have done something.

i could have volunteered. or at least covered more stories about non-profits. the best i did was push for directors of various charities to be on the live show i produced.

i wish i hadn't been so scared to fail. that's still a mountain i'm trying to climb.

i should have eschewed sleep more. not the all-nighter thing, but i should have at least enjoyed some more bar days with my friends who are all now living their own lives, and who i will only now see when someone gets married. my liver thanks me, my heart does not.

i needed to let the schedule go. let the planner get lost. maybe even leave the cell phone at home. another one i can work on.

why didn't i go to runcible spoon when i was at iu? or the farmer's market more? or the restaurants on 4th street? or more restaurants period? or jazz night at bear's place? uncle elizabeth's? the early music festival? any music festival?

i shouldn't have wasted time on regrets. i should have just gotten them out there, like i'm doing now, and let them go. we burn last year's palms and use them for ash wednesday mass. there's something cleansing about that, and i don't quite understand why. but this is my blog post learning from my regrets, letting them go and burning them into the air.