a project

t left today. we're both trying to stay positive, and doing a pretty good job about it. his leaving involved a frantic search for the cell phone at 6:15 a.m. then hammie redeemed himself after pooing on the floor yesterday by finding it laying on the ground a ways away from our apartment. what are the chances? hey, i never said i was an atheist...completely. so t has his cell phone, thank goodness, and is coming home next weekend to help my brother and dad move all the heavy stuff. so it's just like way back when he was working for hh gregg and would travel for a week or even two weeks at a time. just like that.

meanwhile, i'm lonely already and need a project. besides the whole house thing, i've decided that i want to try to write a romance novel. i love my romance books. this is a love affair that's been going on for more than a year now, so i'm pretty sure it's not a crush. there is little else that makes me happier than snuggling in bed with hammie and a new eloisa james (i broke down and had to buy her new one, "a duke of her own." being #20 on the waitlist at the library wasn't going to cut it, especially after "this duchess of mine" was so good!). good romances, as i've said before, are really well-written pieces of literature. writing one isn't going to be easy. but i have fallen in love with this world that i can't believe took me so long to learn about. then of course i had to think of a good story idea and decide what period i wanted to write in. of course i picked regency. i've rarely veered away from romances from that genre, and vastly prefer them to any others. i just need something to occupy my time and help me remember everything will be alright. because i really, really believe it will be.

health care

listen, i've tried to stay silent about this. i really have. not because i don't have an opinion, but because i don't want to make this blog my political soapbox. at least not all the time. but seriously, this whole argument is fucked in the head.

here's what i know: fear is a powerful, powerful tool, and people are prone to it. taxes suck, and we hate to pay them. sometimes we're lazy, and we don't know the facts, so we let someone else research for us. i know i'm guilty of all these things. but i just can't shake the notion that something has got to change. obama isn't killing grandma. she's going to die anyway because her prescriptions are too expensive and she can't afford the surgery she needs.

and as for these "grassroots" protests organized by average, middle-class americans (usually supposedly from my neck of the woods) - i can't say it better than rachel maddow:

fingers crossed

it may have happened.

but i am a sad believer in jinxes, so i feel like i can't stay what it is. only infer from my previous rantings the one thing that has consumed my life for what feels like years. and know i am starting to be semi-hopeful. of course 20,000 things have to fall into place for this to happen. oy oy oy. but it's nice to be hopeful instead of despair that i'll never find what i'm looking for. i'm looking at my apartment, the place where i've discovered how much i really love my freedom and all that comes with it (yes, even paying bills). this place is usually clean-ish, but is now covered with boxes and random things that don't fit into any sort of category. i have hurt my back twice in this prolonged move already, but i am so excited to be going home, even if it's to my room that doesn't look anything like my room anymore. columbus may be god-awful boring, may be small, may die at 8:30, may be the place where most people my age pray to escape or give me weird looks when i say i'm happily returning, but i can't wait to go back.

fingers crossed this all works.

book diversion: "Sold"

every now and then i want to write about a book that really touched me, and this book's effect on me was profound. "Sold" by Patricia McCormick is written for a reader starting at the pre-teen level, but can be enjoyed by any person. it centers around lakshmi, a 13-year-old girl living in a very poor village in nepal with her mother, stepfather and baby brother. she dreams of making enough money to repair her family's tin roof - and perhaps stem her stepfather's gambling problem. then he tells her she's going into work as a maid in the city, and she leaves with a woman for a job that is filled with promise for her family. instead, she has been sold into the sex trade and ends up in india. lakshmi tells her story in a poetry/prose form that is not only very fitting, but also makes for a quick read - i think i finished in this book in under two hours. but it was so, so well written. i could smell the men who paid for lakshmi - and was heartbroken for her when she overhears one of them and realizes they paid as much for her as she would have paid back home for a coke. at the end of the story, i learned over 12,000 nepali girls are sold into the sex trade every year. the author traveled to nepal and india to interview people who had rescued these girls, as well as the girls themselves, and her hard work shows over each page as she brings you there, exposing one of the cruelest places in the world. please read this book.

hello lover

would it be wrong to spend $950 on a pair of shoes?

really? i mean, seriously, they are the most beautiful pair of shoes ever. lily allen wore them on australian tv and said she stole or "nicked" them. i completely understand why.

although it pisses me off slightly that lily, a girl who is both younger than me and in a position to buy a $950 pair of shoes, had to nick them. (p.s. the word "nick" is so much more fun than stole. i love british slang.)

ok, see them for yourself. and if you'd like to buy them for me, go here. (size 10.5, please!)

when i grow up

is it the pink shoes that make my feet look so professional when i point? or the grace of the dance? it's gotta be the costumes with the tulle and sparkles and beautiful colors. for whatever reason, ballet always captivated me, the way it has captivated little girls ever since it became en vogue. i took lessons at my elementary school when i was 7 or 8, and i'm double-jointed in my ankles, letting me turn out past 180 degrees. that's about the extent of my knowledge of ballet, but i've always, always wanted to take lessons again. i thought about doing it at iu - stupid that i didn't, considering they have an amazing school there. then i thought about doing it this year when i was up in indy, since there are lots of schools around here that have adult lessons. now i'm moving back to a town with a whole two dance studios, none of which have adult lessons. and i'm really sad about that, enough that i'm considering entering a beginner class with 5-7-year-olds. almost.

but how good would it feel to snatch back a childhood regret? most of the things i do wish i had done, i'll never get the chance again. just the idea that i might be able to dance again is empowering. i can't wait until i actually get to put on those shoes.

now if i can just figure out how to get en pointe in a few months...

my mother, myself

"all women become like their mothers. that is their tragedy."

my mother and i have always been close. i'm her only daughter, i'm her oldest child, i'm basically her clone born when she was 29 years old. i look like her and - even scarier - i act just like her. it's not that she acts a way i don't want to, it's that because we're so much alike, we end up at odds a lot more than we should. i have her temperament, her tendency to perfection, her want of control, her fears for everyone she loves, her sometimes judgmental attitude. that sounds all bad, and it's not. i inherited the good traits as well: silliness, passion for those i love, determination. and as i've gotten older, i've come to appreciate my mom and all she's done for my brother and me more and more.

but the control - the control is the worst. the judgmental looks as she wants into my apartment and sees that it's not clean. the high eyebrows when she hears my dog sleeps on my bed with me and always has. the constant telling and retelling of how to live my life.

(she does redeem herself. when she had to take care of hamlet, he slept under the covers with her. i was so shocked to hear that, i couldn't speak for a few seconds.)

it's so difficult for me to deal with the things my mom does because i crave her approval. i want her to accept and be happy for every decision and aspect of my life. and at the same time i can't stand it when she tells me what to do. i couldn't take it when i was 18 - that first summer back from school was the worst. i really can't take it now that i'm 24 and independent. and i have to move back with her in a month, and she wonders why i'm desperate to find a house?

i love my mom. i want to make that really clear. i love her, and i'm very grateful for her. it's my own daughter i'm worried about.

i found my mac again

next stop: house!

that's how this works, right?

twisted logic

i have been thinking and wondering and wishing and thinking about buying an apple. i had one years ago that was tragically killed when i accidentally dropped it down the stairs. pretty funny now, but horribly tragic then. i have a really bad track record with computers - for instance, my dell (the replacement) is in t's computer graveyard right now because the screen keeps falling shut and it won't turn on. this could also be because dells are pieces of shit and i hate them. i'm not sure.

i actually went into the apple store today and played around on the macbook i want. it was all white like a computer angel and absolutely gorgeous. i'm dying of indecisiveness, because even though i don't technically need a computer, i really, really want this one. and i have considered this choice for over a month, so i'm not rushing into it. i'm trying to be logical about my purchases, considering i am financially responsible for myself and all.

but here's where the twisted part comes in. i've been reluctant to spend that kind of money because from what i hear, houses are expensive. if i find a house, i'll need the money that's already gone because i bought a computer. but of course i haven't found that elusive piece of property. so what is the answer? no computer = no house. buy a computer and be in the hole a lot of money = i'll find the house of my dreams. perfect! it's a win-win! i'm buying the damn computer. and then the house will magically go on sale. because that's pretty much how my life works.

thanks aunt karen

my dad's family could not be more different than my mom's. my mom's is a loud, always arguing, Catholic bunch. my dad's was always much quieter - and much smaller. while at my mom's there are four aunts, four uncles and 12 grandkids, at my dad's there's only my brother, two cousins and my uncle bob and aunt karen. karen and i have always had a very special relationship, and she can tell me things i can't and don't want to hear from anyone else. i haven't seen her in a long time, and unfortunately she lives in arizona, a 3+ hour plane ride away. not bad, but nothing that means we're together as a family very often. in fact the last time we were all together was my popop's funeral. the next time we'll all be together is in june when we bury him in arlington. very sad. and also the reason why i won't move far from home.