i was going to write this post about guilt - specifically spending too-much-money guilt, as christmas/pre-christmas chicago trip where i bought shoes that were way too expensive (more on that later, as they are beautiful) totally kicked my bank account's ass - but i have another kind of guilt today to confess. the jealous-of-those-i-love guilt.
this is a new year's thing i'm trying to do - get these bad feelings out into the blogging world, which will somehow make me feel better, because maybe-just-maybe one of you is feeling how i feel. comrodary in numbers, or whatever. you know, one of the 10 or so people that reads this blog.
another friend is married. she's amazingly hilarious and the tallest girl i know. she used to get me my milk at the sorority house and once came over to my house senior year of college to rescue me when i "thought i heard something." it turned out to be the oven. i shared cookies with her in humble gratitude. but she's engaged, and i'll be honest, i thought i would go first. of course that's what i said about the last friend, and the friend before that. there are still a few people holding out, but i swear if they beat me...
see, this is the problem, that gnawing jealousy that makes me think i should be growing up, too. i'm going to be 25 in a few days. it's a scary age, mostly because i can't say "early 20s anymore." it's "mid-20s" now. mid-20s. i'm complaining about being in my TWENTIES. that is the level of sad desperation this jealousy causes me to fall to.
from what i hear, 30s are better. 40s are supposedly fun, too. it would be nice to not feel like such a fuck-up all the time, to actually not only know what i'm doing, but not care if i don't, feelings that i've also heard come with age. and i am so, so happy for my friend, who is lovely and kind and deserves a beautiful future, which i'm sure she has in front of her.
i am. seriously.