Thursday, July 30, 2009

i freak over fleas

i was rubbing my dog's white belly when i saw it, a tiny black speck, barely noticeable, moving, roaming for something. i squished its little body in between my fingernails and started freaking out - my adorable, lovable puppy had fleas.

i started freaking out, looking up all sorts of home remedies for flea medications until i could get to the vet. i washed all my sheets, sprayed my home with germ-be-gone (just to make myself feel better), and badgered the boy to shell out $60 for three months' of medicine, instead of paying less than half that for the store-bought version, because then we wouldn't know its ingredients if hamlet had an allergic reaction. i lovingly bathed my puppy in dishwashing soap (only the natural version) while whispering to him in my special hamish voice. i wished i could comb over every inch of his precious fur to get every one of those fucking fleas off of him. i found myself angry at those tiny bugs for invading my precious baby.

it was somewhere between this freak-out and the one i had at my mom's where i checked the back door five times to make sure it was locked so hamlet couldn't escape because my mom lives by a very busy road that i realized i was completely obsessed with the possibility of something happening to my dog.

my second thought was fuck. if i'm this worried about my dog, how the hell am i going to be a mom?

i come from a long line of over-bundle-uppers in the winter and extra medication when sick. worrying is as easy as guilt in my family; the two are close friends. how else do i know that i love someone? i tease them and i worry about them - the tried-and-true test of love. i see the horrible scenarios in my mind over and over, every little thing that could go wrong, every awful event that could happen. i freak out over fleas. how did i babysit as a preteen? why the hell did those stupid parents trust me with their children? i'm going to be that mother who hooks a webcam up to her baby's crib and uses a child leash when in public and calls the pediatrician over every red mark. i'm so messed up, i'm worrying about my tendency to be overly worried. how do parents let this stuff go?

i have a feeling it's a more "you learn to live with it" concept. which sucks almost as much as the worrying to me.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

regrets

i regret not taking russian in college. spanish, seriously, what was i thinking? i can carry on a conversation in spanish only a little better than if it was in russian.

i should have gone to europe to study abroad. i don't think i could have done a whole semester, but i definitely should have done a summer. 10 days was so not enough.

i wish i had spoken up more - in class, in sorority meetings, for things i thought were unfair, for issues. i couldn't campaign or attend rallies because i was a journalist, but i still could have done something.

i could have volunteered. or at least covered more stories about non-profits. the best i did was push for directors of various charities to be on the live show i produced.

i wish i hadn't been so scared to fail. that's still a mountain i'm trying to climb.

i should have eschewed sleep more. not the all-nighter thing, but i should have at least enjoyed some more bar days with my friends who are all now living their own lives, and who i will only now see when someone gets married. my liver thanks me, my heart does not.

i needed to let the schedule go. let the planner get lost. maybe even leave the cell phone at home. another one i can work on.

why didn't i go to runcible spoon when i was at iu? or the farmer's market more? or the restaurants on 4th street? or more restaurants period? or jazz night at bear's place? uncle elizabeth's? the early music festival? any music festival?

i shouldn't have wasted time on regrets. i should have just gotten them out there, like i'm doing now, and let them go. we burn last year's palms and use them for ash wednesday mass. there's something cleansing about that, and i don't quite understand why. but this is my blog post learning from my regrets, letting them go and burning them into the air.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

this isn't my city anymore

ok, it was fun, this big-city living i did for almost 11 months. i enjoyed the experience, the shopping (oh the shopping!), the morning walk three blocks into downtown, where the skyline would greet me, the 18th floor office with its panoramic views of the city (perfect for checking out a massive fire in an empty building), the choices for pretty much everything. it was lovely and all, but i'm over it. i'm done with the big city. i'm regressing - literally - back to my childhood, to the place i was raised and that i honestly didn't think i would come back to for a long, long time. true, i loved coming back when i had to work out of the office there, and true i wanted to raise my kids there. so maybe this is the way it's supposed to happen? strange, isn't it, the way things work? almost like my heart knew something i didn't. when i made the choice to move back to my hometown, it was a light switch going off - like saying, yes, of course, why didn't i see this option earlier? the moment i considered it, no other option was viable: it was this or nothing. we'll see how it all works out, but one thing is for certain: the rest of the summer is going to be life-changing for me, literally. i can't wait.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

a wedding

one of my very best friends and the person i consider a sister has now been married for 24 hours. after her name, her husband's name and the pastor's name, i got to sign the marriage license as a witness. then i got to walk down the aisle and look at her husband's face when he saw his bride for the first time. i had made it through the rehearsal (that took THREE HOURS!!!), dinner, giving shea a book of pictures and that included a very emotional personal letter to her, seeing her with her hair done, seeing her in her dress, seeing her cry over pretty much everything, and the entire ceremony - and then another bridesmaid and good friend, Meredith, had to go sing this song, and I lost it. everyone had already cried, and i had to go have my moment on the altar in front of 300 people - with the only tissue i had brought stuck down my cleavage. i thought i hid the whole thing really well until people started recognizing me at the reception as "that bridesmaid that started balling."

but all was beautiful and well, even the speech, which as co-maid-of-honor, i had to give, with molly's help. i held it together until the very, very end, when i had to say good bye to shea. stupid, really, because i was only saying good bye to her until i saw her again, which will probably be very soon, considering we live an hour away.

but i lost it. again. only this time, i couldn't stop crying for 30 minutes. it may have had something to do with the six cranberry and vodkas i had been secretly drinking during the supposed "dry" reception, but it also had to do with the fact that shea is all growed up, and i am about to burst with love and happiness for her. every time i even heard her name at the end of the night, i would start sobbing. i am so, so lucky to share the day with her and be a part of her life. and all i could think about was how much i love her husband (they're perfect - seriously) and how happy they're going to be together. that's rare and precious, that love that makes even the strongest women of steel cry because it's so real and powerful and makes me believe that it's possible for anyone, no matter what. and i am so, so happy shea and ben have found it and each other. it was an amazing wedding and an amazing weekend, though i think after three in a row, i need about a month to recover.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

just send me to france

every july it happens. i start to feel antsy and can't concentrate. weekend mornings are spent glued to the tv for three hours. work days are worst - i search the web for live results, preferably with phil & paul, and if i can't find them, i eschew all news - until i inevitably break down or accidentally see the results. i am so not a sports person, but there is one event that i hold near and dear to my heart: le Tour de France, the premier bike race in the world, one of the three grande Tours and absolutely the hardest, most amazing sporting event ever. i can't help it; i'm obssessed, to the point where i seriously think about blowing off major meetings in favor of tuning into the live results. i have been depressed all day because i missed the team time trial due to meetings, and then can't even watch the results tonight - so i looked and found out who won. (he's so close!!!) because america is what it is and the majority of us would rather see beefed-up guys in layers and layers of pads run into each other, i really don't have anyone to talk to about my love of cycling, except for my dad, who started me on this obsession anyway. he's actually a cyclist himself. i wished i had a sport that i enjoyed that much. i've thought about taking up cycling, but bikes are expensive and spandex can be so unforgiving.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

my first fourth without (a lot of) fear

i looked it up one day when i was bored, and it turns out i have ligyrophobia, officially the fear of loud noises. if i could add the word "sudden" to that definition, that would sum me up perfectly. i think i have it traced back to an easter egg hunt when i was 2, thanks to an old home movie: all the other kids went apeshit when the gun went off, signaling the start of the hunt. i fell to the ground, screaming and crying. since then, thunderstorms caused me to flee to my parents' room and july 4 was always my least favorite holiday. in a cruel bit of irony, it's my brother's favorite. jack is a huge pyro and used to stock fireworks all year long the way mormons stock food in case the world ends. every july 4 spelled the end of the road for an unlucky barbie of mine. my family would spend the holiday at various friends' houses, enjoying the fireworks, while i would be in the basement, crying and blasting a disney movie to drown out the sound.

this year was different. i went out to harrison lake, where my cousins have a house, and braved the noise to enjoy the sights. i did squeal a few times at the particularly loud ones, but for the most part, the simple beauty of exploding light was worth it. who knows? maybe next year i'll be able to watch them without my ears plugged.

Friday, July 3, 2009

my obsession with romance novels...this may be a multipart post

so first i should explain that i have always been a reader, but have stayed away from the chick lit in my usual uppity-nosey fashion, telling myself that i have to be enlightened or invigorated or at least feel smart when i read a book. it was long novels or thick nonfiction books about the Romanovs that lined my bookshelves and piled up along my bed. i spent a fortune at borders and barnes & noble in college, which also became my favorite study haunt.

then several big things happened to me. first of all, i finished my masters, effectively ending my official education for the rest of my life. if i thought collegiate and academic reading was bad in undergrad, grad school was a hundred times worse. i needed a break. i didn't want to have to concentrate or even think when i read a book.

with the finishing of my masters came moving away from bloomington (big thing #2), the town i called home for the past five years. but i couldn't move back to what i now considered my childhood home because big thing #3 happened: my mom's house flooded, to the point where it would be unliveable for the next five months. so i not only moved back in with my mom and brother, but joined my grandma, grandpa and uncle. all of us, a big happy family, under one fucking roof.

i needed distraction from cleaning out muck and smelly river water and childhood memories literally gone down the drain. i was shamefully at walmart with my brother buying fans when i spied their pathetic book section - and saw the book pictured above. a duke, i thought. i love learning about royalty. why not give it a go? it was only $6 (another fantastic perk about romance novels). i threw it in the cart and took it home, only to devour it in a matter of hours.

from that moment, i was hooked. julia quinn became my favorite author, and i preceded to go to waldenbooks (the disgustingly mediocre lone bookstore in columbus that stocked romance novels) and literally bought them out of her books. after checking her websites for recommendations, i moved on to gaelen foley, who i also treasure - though she is a little more into the specifics sex-wise and a little bit less believable romance-wise than julia. i couldn't get enough of romance novels. i finally had to renew my library card for the first time in 8 years and check out the books. i know those pissy librarians were totally judging me as i came in week after week, only to rent books with titles like "her only desire" and "one night of sin." oh, but it was totally, totally worth it, because the books have opened me up to a whole new literary world.

Romance novels account for billions of dollars and millions of copies in the book world and appear in 90 languages. the genres range from contemporary to historic (my favorite) to science fiction to fantasy - and there are even genres within genres (in historic, there's pirates, vikings, native americans - don't laugh!). for any topic that interests you, i guarantee there's a romance novel out there.

and they are surprisingly well-written. i say this because i have read some really, really good ones - and some disgustingly bad ones. the covers are usually embarrassing, but don't let that fool you - both good and bad books get mostly bad covers. my absolute favorite website and the place i go to for my daily laugh - as well as recommendations for other books - is Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. Sarah and Candy are geniuses and take the books very seriously, as they believe it undermines the romance novel industry to treat them any other way. For a good laugh, please go to the Cover Snark section of their website, where they have so much fun with seriously awful covers.

finally, i'll share with you the book known on SBTB as "romance novel crack", the book that turns even the most cynical reader into if not a fan, at least a person who respects the genre: Lord of Scoundrels, by Loretta Chase. if you read only one romance novel in your whole life, let it be this one. just grab a glass of wine and enjoy. i promise you'll thank me later.

i'm having a bad foot day

woke up at five in the morning to my dog licking my face (sometimes he decides he doesn't want to sleep in, sometimes he snores right along with me) and a throbbing foot. a swollen ankle from training for a marathon, you ask? a sore ligament from all the fab exercising you do? no - i have a fucking ingrown toenail. that woke me up. at FIVE IN THE MORNING. and i couldn't get back to sleep. never mind i had to hobble like an invalid as i took the dog out, and then hobble away three blocks into work. did i mention that tomorrow is Independence Day here in the US? so literally no one is working? we are the only company in my building here - and my building has something like 30 floors. i left my apartment way late this morning and it only took me 15 minutes to get into work - as opposed to the usual 45 because no one else is working today. even starbucks is closed. starbucks never closes!!

no matter. my stupid toe may be causing me to walk like a 95-year-old and i may be getting a blister now (on the same foot) because of my stupid shoes (both pairs!!!). the rumor is that we get off early today - maybe at one!!! i have a job, i love my job and yes, it's sucky that we are one of the only companies that doesn't get a day off for 4th of july. i will be enjoying my extra long christmas break when everyone else has to go back to work early. i hope.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

house hunting part dva

after seeing my 27th house two days ago - and not being completely in love with the fact that we would have to expand it + add a new garage - i've officially decided that i am done rushing this process.

that doesn't mean i'm not going to continue to look at houses. but i'm not going to put an offer down on one that i don't have that feeling about. you know, that fluttery, this-is-right feeling? that feeling where instinctively i know it's the way to go. i haven't had that yet about houses - not even about the one we did put an offer on (and lost...boo). it wasn't an instantaneous love - more a definitely like that could grow into love over time.

i realize this is a slightly fucked-up way to look at homes. but i'm ok with that. if i'm going to go $140,000 in debt, i may as well be in love with the place that will own my soul.