my mother, myself

"all women become like their mothers. that is their tragedy."

my mother and i have always been close. i'm her only daughter, i'm her oldest child, i'm basically her clone born when she was 29 years old. i look like her and - even scarier - i act just like her. it's not that she acts a way i don't want to, it's that because we're so much alike, we end up at odds a lot more than we should. i have her temperament, her tendency to perfection, her want of control, her fears for everyone she loves, her sometimes judgmental attitude. that sounds all bad, and it's not. i inherited the good traits as well: silliness, passion for those i love, determination. and as i've gotten older, i've come to appreciate my mom and all she's done for my brother and me more and more.

but the control - the control is the worst. the judgmental looks as she wants into my apartment and sees that it's not clean. the high eyebrows when she hears my dog sleeps on my bed with me and always has. the constant telling and retelling of how to live my life.

(she does redeem herself. when she had to take care of hamlet, he slept under the covers with her. i was so shocked to hear that, i couldn't speak for a few seconds.)

it's so difficult for me to deal with the things my mom does because i crave her approval. i want her to accept and be happy for every decision and aspect of my life. and at the same time i can't stand it when she tells me what to do. i couldn't take it when i was 18 - that first summer back from school was the worst. i really can't take it now that i'm 24 and independent. and i have to move back with her in a month, and she wonders why i'm desperate to find a house?

i love my mom. i want to make that really clear. i love her, and i'm very grateful for her. it's my own daughter i'm worried about.